A Memory of Rain
by StrawberryPanda2
Summary: Amaya visits her mother's grave for the first time since she died. Sharing a moment of tears and healing with Isshin. Rated T for cussing. Will also be added as an extra chapter to Night Rain later.


Ichigo and Isshin left, and finally I could visit the grave of my mother for the first time. Standing alone in front of Masaki's grave I felt feelings surging from long forgotten pieces of my soul. "It's… been years." Turning my face up to the night moon, I felt the same old feelings I hated myself for. "You're dead!"

As if yelling at Masaki's tombstone would do anything. "You're dead! I shouldn't…" Sighing, I glared down at our family's enshrinement of my mother. "This is fucking wrong. Ha! You would've wondered what happened to Amaya, the sickly sweet fucking angel. Damn you, Masaki."

"Amaya! So this is where you were!" I turned to see my father running towards me the barely burning cigarette butt in his hand. He couldn't even give me these few moments alone with my mother, could he? Glaring hard at him, I impatiently began to tap my foot, hoping he'd say his piece and be gone. Pulling to a stop beside me, Isshin put out his cigarette and left it as some sort of offering to Masaki.

Quickly weary of his presence, I snapped, "What do you want Isshin?" His sharp look surprised me, I remembered that worthless goofy father only.

"What's wrong Amaya?" His words brought me back out of my shock as I started laughing. I just kept laughing and laughing until tears edged my eyes and the anger boiled fast to the surface.

"What's wrong?" Laugh. Maybe then these feelings won't come out. "What's wrong?" Maybe Masaki would forgive me if I never say it. "Fuckin' A, Isshin! Ahahahahaha!" I was crying now, the tears flooding as these past six or so years bled to the surface, no longer able to stay buried. The deep pool of wounds opened with her death, it'd only make sense they'd all come to the surface on this day.

This horrible day. I've always hated this day. I've always hated these wounds. These tears. This pain… Masaki…

…

"Masaki loved you, you know." Isshin didn't hug me. His voice didn't sound like he was saying any touching bullshit either. He didn't have that "idiot" inflection, and we both knew he wasn't comforting me. We also knew he wasn't accusing me. I wish he did. Ichigo never did anything wrong. I'm the sick one.

"What's wrong?" I don't know which one of us said it, but both of us could answer. We really could.

"Amaya. No one blames you. You or Ichigo." Neither of us was looking at each other. Our eyes were glued on Masaki's shrine. If only I could lay all of my hatred at her tombstone, and be done with it. If only I wasn't all sorts of fucked up. If only I didn't hate my mother with my entire being.

"You should." I wasn't like Ichigo. I didn't cry when I accused myself. It was something I had accepted long ago. He wanted to protect our mother. Ichigo was innocent. I was angry. With her death, Masaki tore Ichigo from me. The other half of my soul _died_ when she died. Ichigo doesn't smile anymore. He doesn't do that dopey little grin I loved so much.

Isshin still didn't move to comfort me, but the silence in the air told me just how much he knew. We knew. All of those secrets should just stay in the dark. We know. We can't dredge those up. Even if it destroys me. Us. We won't tell. We won't tell Ichigo or Yuzu or Karin or even each other. Even if we both already know. We can't say it out loud. All for Ichigo and Yuzu and Karin. And Masaki.

"I hate her."

"I know." That was all. He wasn't angry. Or surprised. He knew. I knew. There were no more secrets between us. Not for years now. We both knew, but neither of us would say. And now Ichigo was a shinigami. We knew.

"She forgave you." The end. The tears in my heart dried. Masaki was sweet. She knew. Still, I covered my eyes, I didn't know what Isshin was doing. I could smell the smoke of another cigarette, and knew he was paying tribute to her memory once more. "She knew."

"I know." No more. I couldn't love Ichigo. Not like I used to. Isshin knew. I know. He could no longer hold my heart. We were separated the moment Masaki died. In the rain, as Masaki covered us. As her soul was eaten. It must have been terrible.

"Amaya," Isshin's warmth spread through my shoulder. My heart cried out in pain. "I forgive you." Please no more. I came undone. Truly crying, Isshin finally held me in his arms and I fell to pieces. The first drops of rain fell.

How very like the night rain. Together, we let it wash away the infections built up over years of our secrets. Until next time that darkness consumed us. "I know."


End file.
